Be who you
Our path has brought us to this moment,
and it's important to be fully in it.
What went on in 2019?
What's up in 2020?
My Dad passed away at the end of 2018. I was in shock for a while, although I didn't really know it. I felt like I was walking around in a thick dense fog that never seemed to clear. I thought it was grief, but really, it wasn't. That came later when I realized that my Dad, my "Daddy Rabbit" was really gone.
I had been working towards moving my show into a theater setting which would allow for its evolution. I have ideas that I feel will work better in this setting. So I was very excited to have arranged my first show at the Phoenix in May. I was struggling with depression, but I decided to go ahead with it. My Dad and I had talked about it before he died. He had always wanted me to go to college and become a dentist, and considered my music, stories, any art nothing more than a "side thing". Something you do in your spare time and on the weekends. But he was beginning to change and truly "see me". I am not a medical type person.
It was an extremely difficult year. I worked on the new record, "Butterfly" as much as I could. I am grateful to have written so many songs to choose from. And I'm still writing. It continues to save me. I did release a one of the tracks we're working on.
It's nearly April and I haven't even updated my website for the New Year, let alone made a plan for 2020. Every time I try, I get stuck right here >>> What will the next phase of my life look like? Now what? This is a question I can't seem to answer. And definitely not with any hope and excitement. So I close my computer and do something else. Doing the next right thing, living in the moment, is how I've survived the past year or so. I have no idea about the future, as I'm still trying to make peace with the past. I'm not sure what my purpose is anymore. I do know what's important - love, family, friends, and lots of laughter. I try to focus on those things and in this moment, I'm ok.
When I don't know what else to do, I work. So I got a bunch of jobs...
I used to write songs on piano which I haven't done in a very long time. I got a new keyboard and Boss RC-300 loop station- SO FUN!!! I will be using this in my "Songs and Stories" I didn't work on this like I wanted to in 2019, but moving forward I will. Just doin' the next right thing. One day at a time.
And I travel... so I went home to Chicago, then to the Czech Republic, then to Iceland. I'm so grateful to have made it back to the US and cancelled my trip to Seoul and Chiang Mai. I had a feeling it was probably a good idea and it was. Thank God, my angels, my Dad, whoever inspired that thought.
I dont know if going to Iceland for a couple weeks helped me "figure anything out". With streets like "Kringlumyrarbraut" to navigate, I don't think it helped me feel less lost.... LOL...but it was AWESOME!!!
I went to Prague with my sister Linda. She had never traveled out of the US and always wanted to go there. I was so grateful to share this experience with her. I've taken 3 sisters now. Lucky me!! We are all Czech, on my Dad's side. Our last name "Hadraba" is very common. Years ago, I actually looked it up the phone book, when there was such a thing as a phone book.
I made it to places I hadn't seen the last time. Like the other worldly Glacier Lagoon/Diamond Beach and inside Vidgelmir Lava Cave despite my claustrophobia. I spent time reflecting in a lot of geothermal pools, and went on long walks. I needed the time on my own. Although I had no epiphanies, I KNOW it helped.
And out of the blue I booked a couple shows in Reykjavik. WHAT???? Frankly I don't know where the inspiration came from. I just did it. I hadn't been playing much at all. I kept walking by my studio like it was a guest room for someone else, not me. I hope this is a sign that I'm coming out of this dreadful fog I've been wandering around in and back out into the light. Either way, it was a blast and so nice to share some songs again. I resurrected my little blue guitar, put in a pickup with bass boost, slapped on a little chorus reverb, and now it's my new favorite. Plus it fits easily in the overhead, even on a commuter flight from MSP to MDW. Fanfuckintastic!!!