What went on in 2019?
I'm writing the songs my 4th record. And I love them. I have what I would call "regular" songs and "story" songs which have come from the stories I've been doing in my shows now. They are all AWESOME! Maybe it's 2 records. Last year, we started working on a record with a bunch of remixes and bonus acoustic tracks. Nearly finished, we shelved it because I had a huge writing surge that is on-going. Thank You Universe! xoxo
I was invited to perform in a storyteller showcase at Martyr's in Chicago. I did a story/song combo thing. It was a huge success and they would like me to come back as soon as possible. This is something I intend to do a lot more of. VIDEO CLIP
I got an opportunity to do a "Songs and Stories" show in Chicago. I hadn't performed in Chicago in a long time and it was great to be back in my hometown again!!! Years ago, I had a recording studio and theater in the Bucktown area. I have many very dear friends, family, and fans that I have been longing to see. It was a "very special" evening. And I will be back. (plans are in the works as I write this) Yay!
My little sister and I went to Prague for a couple weeks and it was awesome!!! I have been fortunate enough to travel to the Czech Republic many times which is another story but it was so fun to take Heather and show her around as well as experience some new places and things. She makes me laugh, often puts me into hysterics actually. I can talk to her about anything and she "gets it" which is a blessing. She gave me my family nickname "BeeDee" aka "Beed".
And then this happened,
and everything changed...
My Dad passed away. It has been very very hard. I called him "Daddy Rabbit" He wanted me to be a dentist or a doctor but eventually he accepted that just wasn't me. In the end, he just wanted me to be happy. He ALWAYS said remember kids..."whether the sky is blue or gray, there's something to love in every day" and he's right...there is.
He also told me "if you have the ball, keep running. Never look behind you, just keep moving forward"
And he taught me to laugh. Not take myself too seriously. Bring the party with me. Smile. Be Kind. Treat people well.
What I learned in 2019?
I live in the present moment as much as possible. I don't want to miss anything. I show up and tell the truth. I listen. How people feel matters to me. Stories matter to me. And I love to laugh, It might be the most important thing to me. Laughing and telling people I love them - A LOT.
I have been practicing acceptance more than ever. Acceptance of things I can't change, and changing the things I can. SO much is out of my control. Pretty much anything outside of myself. I do what I can do and let go of the rest, including the outcome. Which is really hard. But I know it will keep me somewhat sane and able to be of maximum service.
So yes, more and more, I live in the moment. Which for me doesn't mean that I'm never in the past or future. It doesn't mean that I'm never afraid or sad. It means that I continually redirect myself back to the present. I choose to let go. It takes work for me. It's not my natural inclination. I lean more towards fear and regret. But instead of staying in that place, I turn my attention to the present. It isn't easy, but I don't give up and give in to dark side.
I continue to learn to trust myself. It's been a lifelong journey. I finally mustered the courage to leave my job of many many years managing a cafe and motel in Door County Wisconsin. Even though I still loved the job, I knew it was time for me to move on. Not because I had grown to hate it, but I had grown somewhere beyond it. I wasn't sure what I would do next. I waited but the answer never came. I searched and prayed for what would seem to be the "perfect move" , but it never showed up. I had to jump into the unknown. I let go of one thing, without having another to grab onto and it was super scary. I waited longer than I should of because I was afraid. I knew it was the right thing, but I wanted the safety and security behind it. Eventually, I did it anyway.
Courage is the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.
Something I've always said. And in many instances lived by, but usually not when it comes to money and employment. Even though I've always been able to find a way to support myself, I have had a huge fear that I won't be able to take care of myself. I'm gonna end up with no where to go and no one to turn to. Lonely and destitute. Whenever I think about taking a risk financially or otherwise, it takes me forever to actually do it. I dropped out of high school and left home at 17, yet I've managed to survive. I about had a mental breakdown buying my house. Even with a ton of evidence to the contrary, I fear the worst. So when I came back to MN full time, I got a bunch of jobs, 5 to be exact. I told myself it was just until I figured out what I wanted to do. I'm still doing all of them. I've deemed this my "transition period" and I hope that's all it is. I thought I would have life all figured out by now, but I don't. Which for the most part, I'm ok with.
More will be revealed...